Last Christmas
by Alwayssg1
Summary: Angst one shot of Christmas 2022. Steve/Nat


**More Steve Roger's and the Great Big Cosmic Do Over is nearly ready, but here's a little Christmas interlude for the last Christmas before the time heist. Compliant with Endgame. Angsty.**

**December 24, 2022**

Steve walked into his Brooklyn apartment just as the sun was setting. He threw his keys on the bar, not even noticing they didn't land where he threw them until he heard the clanging of the key ring as it slid over the edge, landing on the kitchen floor.

It didn't matter. He'd pick them up later. The day was wearing on him. Holidays were the worst. His last group session of the day had been so full they had to bring in more chairs. So many moms, dads, husbands, and wives who rarely came anymore always tended to show up around the holidays.

Christmas was the worst. It never got any easier. If anything, this holiday season was the hardest one yet. Maybe the problem was that folks really were trying to move on, which was a good thing. This was the first year there had been any real return to holiday normalcy.

The Macy Thanksgiving day parade returned for the first time. Hallmark and Lifetime put out a series of new movies, most focusing on a post Snap world where the all too relatable heroines were starting over after losing the loves of their life in an instant. It was odd not to see the actress who starred in so many Christmas movies on the screen. What was her name again? Steve felt guilty for not remembering. Even Hollywood wasn't exempt from the Snap.

Steve heard they were even planning to drop the ball again at Time Square. They had a special ball ready to go, one that was supposed to somehow honor the memories of those they lost. He didn't know how a ball could do that, but he almost wanted to see it. Maybe he could talk Natasha into leaving the compound and crashing with him for a night. They hadn't done anything together in awhile, unless laundry counted, and he missed her. She was probably the only real friend he had left.

Steve crashed into his lazyboy. He picked up the remote control then sat it down. What was the point? He knew how whatever new Christmas movie the network was airing was going to go. As a therapist, which he guessed he was now, he should be grateful for the assist. Maybe it would remind a few people they still had something to look forward to or something. As a man who was still reeling, it seemed pointless.

He didn't want to move on. He wanted to go back-not to the 40's. He was past stressing over what might have been, even if images of Peggy occasionally slipped into his dreams. No, he just wanted to go back a few years.

Steve closed his eyes and let his memories carry him back to the last Christmas most of the Avengers spent together. It was Wanda and Vision's first, and their romance was already beginning to bloom. Tony was there, without Pepper. Steve honestly didn't know if she was really with her folks or if it was one of many times they were on the outs. Since it was only six months after Ultron, he guessed they were on the outs. It didn't change Tony's mood much. Even Clint made an appearance before taking a quinjet home to play Santa with Laura before the kids woke up Christmas morning.

"_Come on guys," Clint complained as he tossed Santa caps at Steve and Natasha. "Tis the season. Be a little festive."_

_Steve groaned as he put on the offending hat, but Natasha didn't budge. She just shook her head. "No reason to mess up my hair over a dumb cap, and no more eggnog for you. You've got a long trip ahead of you," she said, waving her finger at Clint, who was pouring himself another cup._

"_It's fine. This is the unleaded stuff. I know better than to drink and fly," he said, raising the glass in the air. "Cheers!" After everyone took a swig, he clapped his hands together. "Who wants to sing Christmas carols? Deck the Halls, maybe."_

_Natasha stood from her place beside Steve. He missed the warmth of her body beside his immediately. It wasn't that there was anything going on between them, there wasn't. They were friends, good ones, but she did have a tendency to snuggle against him for warmth. He liked it, maybe a little too much, so he wasn't particularly pleased when she got up and walked across the room._

_Natasha took Clint's glass and sniffed the beverage. "No booze. He's just lost his mind guys."_

_Everyone laughed, but no one laughed harder than Sam. "Looks like he's been invaded by the Christmas Spirit."_

_Vision looked at Wanda, a worried expression on his face. "Should we do something to help him? How does one fight a Christmas Spirit?"_

_Wanda laughed and kissed Vision on the cheek. "We don't fight it. We give in." She started singing Deck the Halls, and others joined in. Clint was loudest and most off-key. _

_Natasha just plopped back down beside Steve. "They're impossible. I say we put them through the ringer next training session."_

_Steve laughed. "Let them have their fun."_

_Natasha nuzzled in close to Steve again. She refused to sing, but Steve could tell she was enjoying herself just the same. They stayed that way until Tony came in, dressed in his own Santa suit and bearing gifts. New Stark phones were soon in every Avenger's hands, and Tony looked content._

_Steve handed Tony his gift. Tony made a show out of unwrapping the awkwardly wrapped parcel, but he stopped short when he realized what was inside. It was a drawing of Howard. Steve spent days trying to get it just right, trying to really capture how Howard looked during the war. He knew Tony had issues with his father, but it wasn't hard to see how much he loved him either._

_Tony held the drawing up. "I never really noticed how much I looked like the old man," he said, trying to avoid letting his voice shake. "Thanks, Cap. This is going up in the workshop. He might not have appreciated my genius while he was alive, but maybe, in a small way, he will be able to appreciate it now."_

_Tony left the room with his drawing not long after. Clint took off for home. Sam, Wanda, and Vision moved to another room to teach Vision how to play Uno, and Steve and Natasha were finally alone. It was only after the others were gone that Natasha put on her Santa cap. "You did good, soldier. Tony was moved. I'm impressed."_

_Steve touched the ball on Natasha's Santa cap and smiled. "You finally starting to get into the spirit?"_

"_I was never not in the spirit. I just don't need all that hokey stuff for it to be Christmas. The family together is enough for me. I never had this before. I like it." She leaned back against the back of the couch and sighed. "Every time we are here together, all of us, well, most," she paused and frowned slightly. Steve knew she was thinking of Bruce, but he kept quiet. "It feels like Christmas."_

_Steve pulled a small wrapped package out of his pocket and placed it in Natasha's hand. "Well, if every time the family is together, it's like Christmas then I should probably invest in a lot more gifts, because we're going to do this more often next year. Open it."_

_Natasha was quiet as she carefully unwrapped the present and pulled it from the box. "It's beautiful," she whispered, removing the gold plated "A" necklace and handing it to Steve so he could help her put it around her neck. Once Steve had it clasped she turned and kissed him. It was a chaste kiss, only one of three they'd ever shared, but Steve thought it might just be his favorite._

Steve could almost still feel the kiss as he opened his eyes. She was so content that night. When had he last seen her relaxed? He couldn't remember, just like he couldn't give her back what made her feel like Christmas. Wanda, Vision, and Sam were gone, probably forever. Clint and Tony might as well be gone, too. Even Thor and Bruce were too wrapped up in other things to come around often, but he was still here. Why was he sitting alone in this dark, undecorated apartment when she was home alone at the compound?

Steve jumped out of his chair and rushed to the counter to grab his keys. It took him a second to remember where they'd fallen, but soon he was scooping them up off the floor and running out the door. He glanced at his watch. There might just be enough time.

* * *

Natasha rubbed her feet as she sat on the couch in the living room. Her ballet shoes were on the coffee table where she'd casually tossed them. The television had some "B" list actress she almost remembered from some show she'd long since forgotten standing under the mistletoe with a former "A" list actor who was showing his age. She groaned as they discussed lost love and how they never thought they'd have another chance after the Snap before falling into each other's arms and kissing each other senseless.

"Well, that's just dribble," she said, grabbing the remote and turning the offending movie off. It didn't feel like Christmas. It just felt like any other day, and all days were the same. Check the emails, monitor the open channel, look for Clint. She was tired of it.

Natasha slowly got off the couch and headed towards the kitchen. She looked at the offending jar of peanut butter on the counter and put it away before opening up the freezer. Frozen meatloaf or tasteless frozen teriyaki chicken? She closed the freezer, deciding neither was worth the trouble of setting the timer on the microwave.

Instead, she pulled out a pot and put some water on to bowl. Spaghetti wasn't that much trouble, and maybe, if she was lucky, she'd go into some kind of carb coma and skip Christmas entirely.

The sauce was just starting to give off a nice aroma and she was on her second shot of vodka when she heard the sound of jingling bells. What the hell? If there were carolers at her door, she was going to come unglued. Who could even get so close to the compound without triggering the alarms?

She trotted through the rooms in her bare feet towards the front door. It was already open when she arrived. The sight was almost comical, and would have been hilarious if not for her sour mood. There was the wimpiest Charlie Brown Christmas tree she had ever seen sitting in the corridor, and behind it was Steve, in a Santa cap, holding a cardboard box brimming over with decorations.

Natasha narrowed her eyes and raised her hands in defeat. "Really? You, too?"

Steve gave her a quizzical look. "Me too?"

"Everyone's trying to pretend there's something to celebrate. The return to normal is almost nauseating, and you show up with this God-awful tree." She just shook her head and stared.

Steve bit his lip and looked down at the tree beside him. "It is pretty awful."

"You think? What are you doing here, Steve? This is your busy time. Don't you have sad people to fix?"

Steve sat the box down and took a step towards her. "See, that's the thing. I had a packed house today. Everyone was talking about what they lost. I said all the right things, reminded them of what they still had," he paused and took her hand, "then I went home to my dreary apartment and started thinking. I was feeling sorry for myself. It didn't make me feel better. We've lost a lot of people, Nat."

Natasha looked at where their hands were still joined. It was easier than looking her friend in the eyes. "We have," she said, no real emotion in her voice. She felt dead inside.

He squeezed her hand a little tighter. "But, we still have each other. The family's a little on the small side, but it's still a family. We're still a family. I was thinking about how you once said it always felt like Christmas when the family is together, and I was hoping we might be enough."

Natasha met his eyes with her own. He was just as broken as she was, and he was here, not just to give her comfort but to receive it. "It's enough for today," she said, pulling him close and hugging him, "but if you think I'm wearing one of those stupid hats, you've lost your mind, Steve."

He laughed, and Natasha found herself laughing, too. It was an odd sensation. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard her own laugh. They moved the tree to the living room and had spaghetti in front of the bare tree. Steve opened a bottle of wine Tony left behind for a special occasion that would never happen. They drank half the bottle before tackling the tree.

Natasha took a few steps back and watched as he put the star on top. Steve turned to look at her as soon as it was in place. "How does it look?"

"Like Christmas," She said, tears filling her eyes. "It looks like Christmas."

Steve quickly moved to her side and held her in his arms. She could feel wetness from his own tears on her shoulder. He quickly wiped the tears away when they finally pulled apart. "I don't know how to do what I keep telling people to do. I don't want to move on yet," he said.

Natasha picked up the extra Santa cap and put it on her head. "Me either. Let's make a pact."

"Okay," he said as he took a seat in front of the tree. "What do you have in mind?"

She sat beside him and cuddled into his side, accidentally hitting him in the face with the ball on her cap. He pushed it away, taking a moment to caress her face as he did it. "One more year of pining for what we lost," she said firmly, "then next Christmas, we move on. We put all our memories in a box, and we celebrate the season for all it's worth. We get a life."

Steve readjusted her to where she was sitting almost in his lap and took a deep breath in. "I can live with that. One more year then we move on. Just one little caveat, okay?"

"What's that?"

Steve placed his hands on her cheek and pulled her in so close their lips were almost touching. "When we get that life, we get it together."

"Steve," she warned. He was getting to close to saying what she wanted to hear, and she didn't want him to say it just because he was afraid of being alone, "that's not necessarily what you're going to want in a year. We should wait and see where your head is."

"And, yours, I guess," he said, pulling back slightly. "Timing has never been my strong suit. If it were then maybe you and I would have-"

"Neither of us have been good at timing, or we definitely would have-" Natasha didn't get to finish before Steve was kissing her. Not kissing him back would have been impossible. She was too far gone. She had been for a long time. When they pulled apart, she smiled. "Okay, soldier, one more year of grieving then if you still want a life with me, I'll be waiting."

"One more year," he said, "one more Christmas."

"Next Christmas," she promised.


End file.
